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BREAKING NEWS!!!!! BREAKING NEWS!!!!! J. Mascis Has Spoken… AND IT’S NEWS!

todayFebruary 11, 2024 30

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In a shocking turn of events that has left the world reeling (or at least mildly perplexed), it appears that the latest headline-grabbing scandal involves none other than J Mascis, the enigmatic frontman of Dinosaur Jr., whose opinions on the culinary scene of Amherst, Massachusetts, have suddenly become the hottest topic since the invention of sliced bread (which, incidentally, is not a topic J Mascis has weighed in on yet).

Yes, you heard it here first, folks. Brace yourselves for the bombshell revelation that J Mascis apparently thinks Amherst lacks decent eateries. Cue the collective gasps of disbelief, the furrowed brows of food enthusiasts, and the frenzied scramble for comment from every restaurateur within a fifty-mile radius.

Forget about world hunger, climate change, or the latest geopolitical crisis. The real news, it seems, is that J Mascis dared to express an opinion on the gastronomic offerings of a quaint college town nestled in the heart of western Massachusetts. Truly, the state of journalism has reached unprecedented heights of absurdity.

In the aftermath of Mascis’s scathing critique (or at least what passes for scathing in his notoriously laconic lexicon), the internet exploded with a cacophony of outrage, disbelief, and thinly veiled amusement. Twitter feeds were inundated with hastily composed think pieces, impassioned defenses of Amherst’s culinary prowess, and memes depicting Mascis as a disgruntled food critic with a penchant for flannel shirts and power chords.

Meanwhile, local residents found themselves grappling with an existential crisis of epic proportions. Could it be true that their beloved town, known for its picturesque landscapes and intellectual fervor, was sorely lacking in the sustenance department? Were the countless cafes, bistros, and farm-to-table eateries merely figments of their collective imagination?

Alas, the truth proved to be far less sensational than the headlines would suggest. As it turns out, Mascis’s remarks were little more than a passing observation, uttered in a moment of fleeting candor and promptly forgotten by all parties involved. But in a world where clickbait reigns supreme and outrage is the currency of the realm, even the most innocuous utterance can spark a media firestorm of epic proportions.

So, let us raise a toast (preferably at a restaurant that meets Mascis’s exacting standards) to the absurdity of it all. For in a world where J Mascis’s opinion on Amherst’s dining scene is considered breaking news, anything is possible.

Written by: jamric

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